[she is expecting]

"We prayed for this child and the Lord has granted us what we asked of Him." - 1 Samuel 1:27

The rumors are true. We are pregnant! This year will be five years of marriage and what an incredible way to mark the milestone. Our journey to getting pregnant wasn't as hard as some but it definitely wasn't easy. When you grow up in a single-parent family, you look at starting your own family differently - at least I certainly did.

I was never that girl that dreamed of fairy tale weddings nor was I ever the girl that melted every time a baby came around. That being said, I knew I wanted to be married and I always wanted to be a mother. But the weight of both responsibilities kept my feet on the ground and I was almost too serious on my approach on both. But I knew one thing for certain, get my ducks in a row before I bring a baby into this world. So while Josh and I knew that "if you wait until you are financially ready to have children, you won't ever have them," we wanted to have some things in place to provide for our family. By the end of 2013, we had our home, our business was taking off, and I was almost done with college. We knew that it was time to start trying. And that's when my story of learning to live on God's time began.

We tried to conceive for over a year. Josh's sister became pregnant and brought a sweet little girl into this world and our hearts yearned even more. In the beginning, I was impatient and angry that my plan was not coming to fruition. But with each passing month, leaning on the Lord got easier and trusting His incredible plan became more like breathing and less like forcing another mile on a treadmill.

Angela and Bowie their first week home
The transformation in my heart wasn't immediate but the work was finally happening. I was learning to truly trust His beautiful plan. I started to trace back my history and see how He worked things out just how they needed to be EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. So why should I stress myself out and waste the present with worrying about things completely out of my hands? [Matthew 6:27]

We knew that if it didn't happen, we weren't going to try IVF. Not that I see anything wrong with it (it's helped many of my friends become parents) but we just knew it wasn't for us. So be it adoption, fostering, or just mentoring; it was going to be okay, because He was in control. It was October 2014 that I really felt the piece of His plan for our lives. It was when I actually sat down and said, "God, You have never let me want for anything. You have always brought me through the fires and taken care of me. I trust You. Completely." And that was that. No more tears. No more beating ourselves up. We were going to fully enjoy our time together and whatever comes our way, okay! And I felt closer to Him than ever. I found my peace in Him and not in my worldly desires. It's still not perfect but the transformation was exponential.

In early December, we went to our friends' annual Christmas party. Keep in mind I'm an introvert so parties are not really my thing. I was looking forward to seeing a few people but Josh and I had already planned that I would be leaving much sooner than him. A couple hours in, I ducked out and started to drive home. I was completely saturated in my typical aimless driving, listening to Christian radio, and zoning completely out. And here is the moment of my life I will never forget....

A mile away from my house, I heard/felt (so hard to describe) "you are pregnant." Um, what? No, I have crossed this bridge, I don't want to get caught in this spin cycle again. Why was I hearing/feeling this? I tried to process and then again, "my child, you are pregnant." God, is that really you? Let me be candid when I say, I have not heard so clearly His voice. I've always gotten nudges to do things or whatnot, but NEVER felt such conviction in my whole life. My period wasn't supposed to start for another week too so what is this about? I still tried to process. 

I rounded the corner to the straight strip in front of our subdivision and BOOM, the biggest and brightest shooting star shot across my car. I still have the text messages to Josh and my friends about this shooting star (not telling them that He revealed this pregnancy to me). I got home and was in such awe of this shooting star, I filed the pregnancy in the back of my head, watched some tv with my cat and went to sleep. Part of me assumed that since I had driven myself crazy for over a year trying to get pregnant, that now that I was ok with not, I had actually gone crazy. Especially since the next morning, my pregnancy test was negative. I didn't cry and wasn't exactly disappointed but I genuinely thought I was nuts for how I felt the previous night on my ride home... Confused is the best way to describe my emotions. Well, God sorts that out too. 

A few days later I was sitting at my computer when I heard/felt Him again, "Janice, you are pregnant." Lord, if this isn't You in my head, I pray these voices away. I gave my baby-wishes to You and if this is the devil trying to make me nuts, please make it stop. The answer: "You are pregnant. See for yourself." Okie doke. I had bought a 50 pack of pregnancy tests on Amazon for $20 back in my fervent trying days and there were dozens left in the cabinet. These things are very generic. Nothing fancy, in fact I jokingly call them rat sticks. So I went for it. Middle of the workday on a Wednesday well before my period. I laid it on the counter and went back to work. When I went back to check it a few minutes later, I saw the faintest second line.... My heart raced in my chest. IT WAS YOU, GOD! You were telling me and again, I didn't whole-heartedly listen and chose doubt. But here You are in Your miraculous splendor in my home healing my heart, transforming my soul, creating life in me... It was so much. You just hit your knees in praise at moments like this. 

The very first test - on the rat stick - with very faint positive

I didn't tell Josh until the next morning. His really good friend had come home from work with him and I didn't think that was an appropriate time to drop this incredible news on him. So I made a note, took a fancier test (see first pic), wrapped it in a box with the note and decided to give it to him during his morning bible study. I didn't sleep a wink that night. Since I felt like I had finally heard God, I would spend this sleepless night just talking to Him. So that's exactly what we did. 

The next morning, Josh was in his bible study and I approached him with the box. He looked confused and admitted later he thought I was coming at him with work stuff. But when he opened it, his heart melted. He cried and held me tight. And we prayed over our child and just had a really special morning together. 

We told his mom and sister on Christmas day and their reactions were perfect. Angela cried tears of pure happiness. She was so happy her little girl would have a little cousin to grow up with. My OB's office doesn't schedule appointments until you've hit 8 weeks, so it was a while before we saw the doctor and when we did, we got the first glimpse of our little one: 

8w ultrasound
We are so in love. With God first, each other second, and this little miracle baby third. His timing is perfect. And while there are so many fears and what-if's during this time, because He has transformed my heart over the past year, I just refocus on His promises when doubt strikes. I refocus on His plan. No matter what happens, His plan is always for good. And we trust in Him alone. It's a beautiful time and we choose joy. We choose to praise Him for this beautiful season in our lives. We are pregnant with our first child and our hearts are so full. 

12 week ultrasound
I stopped using Facebook in October but Josh had been so ready to announce (which he finally did on 3/15/15). I'm a private person by nature so sharing this testimony on my blog was such a hard thing to do but I really pray it brings someone some hope in a trying time for them. God answers every prayer, either with a bold yes, a not yet, or something better. Hang tight and fully let go and trust in Him. The peace it brings is beyond comprehension. He loves us. He wants what is best for us always. Trust in Him completely and your life will change in ways you didn't know were possible. I promise.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Blog Template By Designer Blogs